my life has been full of people who love how I make them feel so they keep me close under the guise that they love me. they’ve held titles that should mean something like mother, father, sister, brother, friend, best friend, boyfriend, and husband. after so many years have faded to black, I accept that these titles are nothing more than words some people use as binding agents. yes, they should hold some significant value but there are more important things to some people than how they care for others and how they make them feel. when survival is paramount, it doesn’t even matter if the title changes to son or daughter, looking out for oneself remains the focus. so how do we protect ourselves from those who view self-preservation as the most important thing to accomplish in life? I don’t have an answer for this loaded question because the minute we think we got it, we also remember we too must survive.

…that I’ve been legally divorced.

I knew it was definitely the end in 2016. meaning, there would be no more reconciling or attempts to for the greater good of the family. the other party had some other agenda still in mind because no matter how clear I was that a divorce was needed, I was met with resistance until 2020. that logically tallies up to be only 4 years but I stated that we should get a divorce after we had been married a year. I was told that I was giving up too easily.

if you haven’t heard this from anyone else, please listen when I say that choosing to walk away from abuse (doesn’t matter the kind; walk away from it) and/or toxic behavior that is not changing is not just giving up. there is no right way to stay in a harmful situation, mentally, physically, otherwise. unfortunately, if your partner isn’t leaving visible bruises, scars, or causing obvious signs of neglect, people will minimize your shit. as hard as it may be to get through that alone, I do encourage pushing through.

it’ll be two years next month that I’ve been legally divorced with the ex-husband having a child support decree of $182/per month. since he wasn’t working at the time of the divorce, the amount was based on his attained education. since we’ve been divorced, he’s had 3 different jobs. I haven’t taken him back to court. he also went back to school and if I’m not mistaken, has completed whatever he returned for so that means more education. I haven’t taken him back to court.

because I don’t want the hassle of court, as long as he pays what he was decreed to pay, he’ll hear nothing from me. does my daughter deserve more support than this? OF FUCKING COURSE. she deserves emotional support from BOTH of her parents. she deserves financial support from BOTH of her parents. before anyone says the $182 IS financial support, sure. however, anyone actively raising a child full-time knows that $182 is insulting to the amount required to provide for a child every month. so when he doesn’t pay or pay on time, it’s a reminder of how much he doesn’t care.

he didn’t decide out of the kindness of his heart to give me $182 a month to contribute to the raising of his child. he pays it because the court told him he has to as a result of us getting divorced. during the divorce, I found out that he pays two of the mothers he had children with after our daughter, $200 a piece. even more of an insult that there’s not even a thought of rounding up $18. I pause when this thought crosses my mind because if he was truly paying the other mothers $200 a month but didn’t even care to send anything for our daughter until he was told he had to, what makes me think he gives a fuck enough to round up? silly me.

why didn’t I seek child support prior to the divorce is a question I’ve been asked here and there. the amount of mental stress required to follow through with everything wasn’t ever worth it to me. the paperwork alone is enough to fuel whatever rage I have tucked away to keep moving forward. 21 pages of a document asking the basic of questions but because they’re so basic, it’s a constant poking of the bear kind of thing. there’s also a chance that I will have to prove he’s the father, beyond the birth certificate. even more insulting and a reminder that I was once involved with someone who really don’t give a fuck about nobody but himself.

I’m also reminded that he’s supposed to pay 50% of all our daughter’s medical bills. he doesn’t because I don’t send him the bills. he didn’t have a job so what good would it do? we’re supposed to tell each other whenever we move and give each other the new addresses. I still don’t have a address of where he lives to this day. I even reminded him when I moved. nothing.

these are all things for which I can take him back to court. however, it will be on my dime. much like literally everything else. the divorce he refused for years, included. so I often sit and ask myself “is going to court worth it?” and because he knows this much about me, he “safely” assumes I won’t take him to court. stress is a major trigger to my diabetes being unmanageable so these assumptions are no longer safe to make. I shouldn’t have to remind a father to pay a crumb of financial support every month. not even once should I have to remind a father to give a fuck, even if it is a small one. especially when no one has to remind me to provide for our child every day, week, month, year of her life.

and when we reduce this entire post down to that, it’s clear to see why I asked for the divorce the first time, 10 years ago. no one should have to remind you to take care of anyone you claim to love. if you need reminders, you might also need to sit with your definitions of love and priorities.

yesterday I read someone state that mother’s day is for everyone and no one should be excluded. before anyone runs to list all of the women that should be included, that isn’t what that person was referring to. YES, ALL mothers should be acknowledged. this person was saying mother’s day is for children, husbands, boyfriends, grandfathers, uncles, and everyone else who doesn’t have children too. it was… absurd. I also acknowledge that people think trolling is an olympic sport and just be saying wild ass shit to see who it’ll upset.

regardless, I see and hear similar sentiments DAILY that center everyone BUT the person the actual day is about… so I don’t think everyone is doing it for lulz. mothers grow and carry human life in our bodies, while risking their own lives for months, then accept the bulk of parenting this tiny human BUT we MUST share this one day with EVERYONE. we really can’t have shit, huh? LOL I have to laugh at things like that because people’s fucking self-centeredness knows no bounds.

I want to be excited every year that mother’s day rolls around but… my joy around the day is waning.

I’m not going to give a speech on capitalism despite the abuse of that system being at the core of most shit that aint lit. I will say that mother’s day is a reminder of how much people don’t really give a fuck about mothers. some might be confused like, wouldn’t this day be a reminder of how much people care? I get the confusion but consider this… there are 364 days in the year but some of us have to wait FOR ONE FUCKING DAY to be acknowledged as worthy, important, and appreciated. it’s giving performative. it aint giving genuine.

and it isn’t that a regular ass person cannot understand what I’m saying. but just in case someone wants to feign ignorance, check this out. imagine your birthday… it’s ONE DAY out of 365. imagine THAT being the ONLY time there’s an outpouring of adoration, love, respect, consideration, kindness, and care. the display itself says people CAN do these things any other time of the year YET, they only value you enough to do it ONCE A YEAR. where is the value in that?

and before anyone swoops in to say, “be grateful”, to that I say fuck you and this raggedy ass bread crumb of a performance. seriously. you don’t think people deserve this more than once a year? ACKNOWLEDGEMENT BEYOND WORDS. yes, I’m aware this aint everybody love language so pay attention to what is and I’m saying, you only think they need that ONCE A GOTDAM YEAR?

what do you require to feel seen? loved? wanted? appreciated? imagine knowing that if you don’t get it no other day from those around you, you’ll definitely get it on ONE day out the year. that one day should sustain you until the following year so enjoy it while it lasts and BE GRATEFUL! the more you mull this over in your mind, if you don’t see the problem with it, I have to question your levels of empathy and concern for others…and your damn self.

I guess what I’m saying is that since I’ve never been a fan of performative behaviors that don’t align with day-to-day actions, I’ve drastically tempered my response to mother’s day. this also aligns with my overall adjusting of expectations. people don’t want you to expect much of anything from them yet, when you don’t, they’re upset. “you don’t think I’m capable???” it isn’t that I don’t think people aren’t capable BECAUSE THEY ARE. it’s that there’s no consistent track record that THIS is what they value being capable of doing.

I expect to be treated like the decent human being that I am and if someone can’t give me that modicum of attention and respect, I adjust my expectations of and for them. they don’t get my enthusiasm about something that has yet to happen because, will it? survey says: it hasn’t consistently been a priority of theirs so move accordingly.

and that’s what I will continue to do. if a different result is wanted, start doing something different to get the desired result. it isn’t rocket science.

being a mother is important to me. if it wasn’t, I would have given up on this role within the first two years when my sanity said this shit is for the fucking birds. I am not speaking from anyone elses place of motherhood; I’m speaking from where I was, where I am, and the rest of the journey I have to travel with the little support that I have. I fully understand that motherhood isn’t solely about me. I’m a mother BECAUSE there is someone relying on me to do what I committed to when I decided to have a full-term pregnancy. I honor that commitment on a level that I wished others would acknowledge not just with “Happy Mother’s Day!” but with the community needed to sustain the growth of myself and the amazing supernova I gave birth to 14 years ago. I’ve adjusted so much of my thinking that I can now acknowledge this commitment really aint got shit to do with nobody but me and the person I committed to… the kiddo.

it doesn’t get any easier but that saying “it is what it is” definitely applies. the saying also allows me to center what’s most important… and it definitely aint the lack.

so is it a happy mother’s day? for some of us, no. for some of us, yes. and for some of us, we eagerly await the day of more balance and harmony within and around motherhood.

happy mother’s day to every mother who needs to still hear and see it. happy mother’s day to every mother that gains a little more fuel to move forward when it’s said. happy mother’s day even to mothers like me because at the end of the day our mothering doesn’t end unless we want it to… and we’re mothers 365 days of every year.

a few posts back I talked about people’s need to play devil’s advocate.

today it happened with one of my doctors and as much respect as I have for this doctor, I lost a little when I heard, “let me play devil’s advocate for a second.” I didn’t give them permission to regale me with their other side of things. yet, they kept talking… and this is where you will always lose me.

I don’t want to hear what you think is a convincing argument to think otherwise because it’s usually stated with no regard for the person they’re talking to. I have developed an aversion to the Devil’s advocates because they tend to have a bad case of not knowing how to read the gotdam room. the advocacy is really about wanting to drive home some point that is irrelevant as fuck… and they know it. I also get the sense that the insistence to push the thought is a search for buy in from someone who’s opinion matters to them… so if they can get this person to agree then they must be right. right?

so after their insistence that I consider both sides, I smile a sincere smile. “I have already considered EVERYTHING that you’ve stated and I’m good with my decision” was my response and I saw the disappointment spread across their face. I immediately wondered why they thought they were going to sway me with information that’s readily available. yes, they’re a doctor but that doesn’t make them an authority on all things. I trust them with the medical knowledge of why I go to see them. that isn’t to say I won’t listen to them about other medically related things but it’s like me talking to my dentist about a problem I’m having with my toe… a doctor whose focus is teeth isn’t going to understand feet issues like a podiatrist so it’s best to take their words with a grain of salt.

and that is what I did in this instance.

however, it was clear that my lack of agreement was their cue to continue on with their objective. here is where I zone out and go to a place in my head called The Waiting Room. it’s where all the grace I extend resides. today, I sat there far longer than I wanted mainly because I am fucking tired. I’m not in the mood to argue with anyone. I want peace and no matter how civilly someone else thinks they’re disagreeing, it’s not mentally peaceful to entertain bullshit that will still be bullshit by the end of the conversation.

do I change my mind when I’m presented with information that reasonably challenges what I already know? yes. absolutely. will it happen from someone playing devil’s advocate? probably not because rarely do the advocates believe the devil; they just want to see if they can get other people to believe and that’s a game I’m not here to play.

you ever notice how the tears that burn the hottest seem to be for people you’ll never see or hear from again?

I was forcing myself to believe that tumblr was the last space online that was free of capitalism but no… we have BLAZE. I’m exhausted by the fact that literally EVERYTHING is for sale. we’ll be paying to breathe air soon…

posts about the silent treatment keep popping up in my social media feeds. I would take it as a sign from the universe except it’s more than likely just an algorithm. regardless…

…my usual way of dealing with someone giving me the silent treatment is to do nothing. because what else can be done? we can’t force people to talk to us and I’m not comfortable with the level of insanity needed to keep reaching out to someone who obviously wants nothing to do with me. in fact, it’s triggering in a way that every time it happens, it’s like a fresh wound being ripped smooth the fuck back open.

if I had to think back to who I experienced the silent treatment from first, it would be my parents. having the loop in head that I’m just not THAT important is a feeling that I wish on no one…. but when people who were supposed to be close as family and friends have done this, the loop starts. to get the broken record out of my head, I have to remind myself that I will always deserve better.

I choose to listen to the other thought in my head that people who do this should not be allowed back in my life. expecting better treatment than this is not unreasonable. however, if people feel the need to separate themselves from me like this, by all means, they should leave. they should also stay gone.

I’m not a heartless sack of skin that feels nothing. the silent treatment speaks so loudly and the message I always get is, you don’t matter so… it’s like returning to an ex… not really a good idea and more than likely not worth the second chance to get stonewalled.

I don’t get the need to play devil’s advocate.

when people do this, I wonder if it’s to fulfill some deep seated need to be heard. a lot of times they aren’t even pushing a point that they even agree with but this incessant need to get other people to confirm that they’ve considered both sides… there’s some arrogance there, to me.

who are you or anyone else to assume someone hasn’t considered both sides already? did you ask if they did before taking the illustrious position of pointing down that they should? what if you’re encouraging harmful views with this pseudo need of a balanced view?

regardless of the reasoning, the very idea that some people live to be this kind of disruptor can be troubling. you would like to advocate for an entity that needs absolutely no support to cause confusion? why? because that is what going up for the devil is… you want to further a point for a perspective that no one asked for yet, you still want considered? WHY?

at the end of the day, how often do you ask yourself “why do I want this considered?” because I don’t think Devil’s Advocates do this before they insert their unasked for two cents. they throw it out there as if the thought should be welcomed… but under this guise, I ask again, WHY? sure, some say it’s to further the conversation and get people to think… but again, WHY? I’m a fan of thinking, even to the point of overthinking but I’m not a fan of this fuckery. because that’s usually what advocacy for the devil turns out to be. just something to do because you had time today and it filled your available slot left open due to boredom.

so since advocating for the devil is such a consideration, I ask those who have allowed their hands and minds to be idle enough to join the devil’s playground, have you considered not doing this? what’s stopping you from treating your own train of thought to the same luxury you grant others? and WHY?

I miss the genuine excitement that comes with sharing good news with other people.

What I mean is, there are certain milestones that when mentioned, it used to be a given that people would rejoice. However, with getting older (I’m in my early 40s), so much going on in the world and our daily lives, it seems like a constant managing of expectations. I also think that when we accomplish things later in life than most people are expected to, the overall enthusiasm wanes.

For example, people who get their GED because they dropped out of high school. That moment isn’t celebrated like graduating from high school at 18 or younger. Getting your bachelor’s degree after your 20s isn’t celebrated with the same level of excitement as straight out of high school and when you’re under 24 years old. Having a baby between 20-30 years old solicits far more support than 30-45 years old. Buying a house when you’re younger than 40 is cause for rejoicing but any time after that, there’s the assumption that you should have had your first house by now. Getting married after your 30s doesn’t receive all the squeals of joy that come with the nuptials of the 20s and 30s.

The list can continue FOREVER. Yes, we talk ad nauseam about taking pride in the things we accomplish and not seeking validation from others in order to be happy with these things. But we don’t talk enough about aging out and how it’s considered normal to reserve the happiness of accomplishments for the youth. So, there’s unrealistic bullshit woven into the expectation that no matter how old we get, the energy surrounded by accomplishment will be the same. Yes, everything mentioned above include things we typically do for personal fulfillment. However, when we keep these things to ourselves, we’re STILL 9 times out of 10 told to SHARE.

I’ve arrived at a point in life where I only want to share with people who will match my level of joy, not give less. Otherwise, I will keep what I do safely to myself. I don’t want the wind knocked out of my excitement by anyone who should be happy for me. I also don’t want the spark to fade because I’ve spent far too much time trying to determine who best to share any good news with. I also don’t think I need to throw all the babies out with the bath water and get all new people to be friends & associates with either.

Some stuff will be just for me because I’m a late bloomer in a ton of different ways. I experience life on a timeline that hasn’t been all that popular. This doesn’t mean I’ve earned any less happiness than those who’ve accomplished the same but earlier in life. I just have to manage my expectations.

That’s the point I’ve arrived to in my life… I’m in my era of expectation management. I value my happiness, joy, contentment, and sanity. It isn’t anyone else’s job to make sure I nourish those things and this is where my attention resides at the moment. So now when anyone finds out what I’m doing and been up to, their enthusiasm will be a nice addition to what I already have but their absence won’t drown out what I’ve amassed for myself.

Sharing life with others feels great. I also know that over time the people we share our life with could and does change. No matter what point of life I am in, my hope is that I choose people I’m best aligned with so that neither of us have to question when and if our good news can be shared.

it’s easy to ramble off shit like, “well what did you expect?” and “we (Black people) need to stop looking for validation from white people” when a deserving Black actor continuously gets passed over for an Oscar win. yes, the Oscars are STILL so white. HOWEVER, any actor that gets nominated AND wins, will gladly accept the award because of what it represents. I don’t know one Black person who showed up to the event, won, and then said, “no, thank you. keep that.” it still means something TO THEM. so yes, our non-acting, non-nominated, and non-award having vantage points are different BUT it isn’t the only perspective that matters. we cannot speak for the people who still view it as an honor to their craft to actually win the award.

it’s no different than receiving degrees from institutions that are OBVIOUSLY white owned and white run… or promotions from companies that are white owned and white run… or any other tangible accolades from white owned and white run establishments that indicate we did an extraordinary job at accomplishing something. THIS ENTIRE WORLD IS OWNED AND RUN BY A MAJORITY OF WHITE PEOPLE.

so yes, it would be nourishing to our souls if our (Black people) acknowledgment and accomplishments didn’t typically come from white systems. this IS the world we live in and unless the odds are going to even out soon, this is the material we gotta work with… OR we could totally remove ourselves from all white owned and run environments so our validation is never tied to anything related to them. however, the win is no longer the same because there’s not a comparable system already in place that can acknowledge people on the same level.

while it’s nice to be an actor simply because you love acting, no one becomes a great actor on the level of being nominated for an Oscar without competing against others. that’s the entire point of awards ceremonies, to see who is deemed the best. the best doesn’t always win BUT the point of awards shows will never change. it’s a competition, whether it’s white or Black owned. the odds being against us has been a fact for hundreds of years… so, let people enjoy their shit until better systems are in place that give us the option to not compete in unfair environments.

yes, Angela should have won. fin.

as of right now, there are 7.8 billion people in the world.

there are billionaires that have enough money to give everyone a billion dollars each and STILL be the richest person in the world. number one reason why the planet earth is ghetto.

but this isn’t about that… it was just a random thought that occurred while I was thinking. I was thinking about being called a hopeless romantic. despite what has taken place since I was a child, I still don’t believe that there’s no one in the world who would love me the way I want and need to be loved. I think some have come & gone, others keep their distance for whatever personal reasons they have, and there’s many I just haven’t met yet and probably won’t in this lifetime… but they definitely exist.

I think about how many people exist on this planet and how there will always be a possibility of love, no matter how terrible of a human we might be BECAUSE there’s almost 8 billion of us. of course that number starts drastically decreasing when we talk about appropriate age ranges. but even then, there are 100,166,470 living people in the world that are my exact age. 100+ million people are still great odds to not give up on.

so I’m curious about people who fall into despair because the people they’ve chosen to entertain & date, have not been their One. there are millions of people left in the world to be curious about… why would I ever kill all possibility? maybe I’m ridiculously optimistic. maybe I have just enough delusion to keep moving forward. maybe I’m concerned about more than just falling (and staying) in love. however, I won’t lie to myself, or anyone else, and pretend like being loved doesn’t feel good, isn’t something I don’t want, or even care about.

I do. it just isn’t the end of my world if it doesn’t happen how society conditions us to believe it should. there’s so much life left to live outside of being coupled up. there are 73,000 species of trees, 17,500 different species of butterflies, 10,000 species of birds, and about 20,000 species of fish… even if those things are of no interest to us, it’s just an example of how much shit exists that we could be interested in instead of obsessing over finding one human being out of almost 8 billion, that we deem perfect for us.

I haven’t lived nearly as long as any of those 73,000 species of trees. their lifetime surpasses mine to the point that my 43 years isn’t even a centimeter of their existence. while it would be nice to have a life companion to finish out these assumed 40+ years I have left, I’d hate to use any of my time left waiting for that alleged companion. I think about all of the things I felt happiness about before the world seemed to narrow the focus down to a mate. books, food, art, music… I could lose myself in time reading, eating, watching, and listening. I don’t need another person to enjoy these things. in fact, as great of a thing it is to experience these things with people, I enjoy them that much alone too.

I often think about how much we love ourselves and maybe THAT is why some of us cannot bear the idea of doing life without some romantic binding. maybe having someone else validate us romantically makes us feel like living one more day. that isn’t anything for me to judge. it does make me wonder why the focus is spent on finding someone else to love us more than we love ourselves though… of course there’s tons of valid reasons. it still crossed my mind… and yet, I can still hold space for the possibility that people exist who are actually interested in sharing this short life with me.

I’m not a hopeless romantic in a way that says love will conquer all but I suppose I am in that I still believe love exists despite what happens. I don’t see love as people but something we choose to express and share with others… since it’s a choice, the possibility is always there. I maintain the hope that those who think & feel the same will be drawn to me and hopefully we like more than that about each other. until that moment presents itself (again), I have life to keep living…

theconcealedweapon:

Hell is God cancelling you when you die.

God cancelled humanity on a consistent basis when tired of human shitnanigans… then allowed one of the top sons to be crucified for all human sins when eliminating us became boring. Intentional Confusion to Remain in Ultimate Control is God’s middle name.

(this was written almost 9 years ago. it has aged well.)

it be lightweight killing folks to admit that intimate connection suffers when we can’t manage to put our phone down in the presence of others we’re engaging offline. if we’re scrolling all of our timelines, posting pictures, replying to comments, and changing statuses, how exactly are we connecting to anyone standing/sitting right in front of us? some things aren’t done that well with multi-tasking and this is one of them. my child is 5 years old and will intensely stare at me until I put my phone down, while she’s talking. to truly pay attention to another human being, eye contact is necessary. how much attention are we giving people if our eyes are glued to our screens? I get it if someone says they just aren’t up for deep interactions. then the refusal to disconnect from technology makes sense. but to say that it isn’t a big deal? it’s tantamount to taking a large part of how human communication is most effective and throwing it in the trash…because our phone has become more important. this isn’t a rant against phone use and a rallying cry to not use social networks. my phone stays in my hand quite frequently and a lot of my day to day life depends on the Internet. it’s me admitting that human interaction still requires that we pay attention to each other through basic things like, eye contact. the online connections I make will never replace the offline connections that are necessary to keep relationships effectively functioning. no amount of apps or electronics will replace face to face interaction and the legitimate feelings we need to continue to be humane.

some of the changes I have to make in order to attain my dreams and achieve my long term goals, I honestly don’t even want to do. these things will put distance between me and some of my favorite people. I’ve been accused of thinking I’m better than others and it hurts every time I hear it because I don’t compare myself to others. I compare myself to [old versions of] myself as a means to become a better version of what I currently am. as much as I’ve explained this and might have to in the future, I’m accepting that there will still be hurt feelings because my actions will look and feel very personal. they aren’t personal “attacks” on anyone I care about. and maybe the only people who might get this are those with dreams that require them to constantly grow. and that’s no shade on people who have different dreams than my own. if you’ve ever recognized where you needed to mature and went through the process to do so, that’s what this is. 

I can’t stand still in one place because it’s comfortable for everyone else…especially when it’s no longer comfortable for me. 

fear. it’s real and it’s not some ugly thing that serves no purpose in our life. when it’s operating from a healthy place, it can actually protect us from things that could put us in danger. when it controls our every move and all of our thoughts, then yes, it is something we need to get a hold of and do something about, quickly. 

I’ve always found it odd when people take a religious stab at fear and use Bible passages to support their belief that it isn’t a real emotion… and also that if we have fear, we aren’t making room for love in our heart. my first instinct is to ask them if they’ve read the Bible. fear is mentioned a lot in the Bible, especially in reference to God and how we need to be in fear of “him”. so how can we have no room for love if we have fear but we must also fear God? confusing much?

I’ve inquired as to what it means if fear is this unnatural abomination we’re supposed to shun. I’m usually met with silence or some spin on how the word fear is used but it means respect. fear and respect are two different things and operate under totally different motives. 

I’m just going to file this under things people say that don’t make sense cause…yeah.